Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
