ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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