If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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