I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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