I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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