This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
