No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
