I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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