went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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