You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
