your thong is hanging out like whoa
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
