new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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