I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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