I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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