Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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