if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
