There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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