Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
