I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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