there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
