I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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