Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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