11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
