I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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