last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize