he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
