My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
