so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You may now shotgun with the bride
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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