Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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