Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
