Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
