I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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