I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
