Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
