Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
