What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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