I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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