Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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