Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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