there's paper in my vomit.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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