In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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