You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
