I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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