I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
