it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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