Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
