If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
