then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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