you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
