woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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