I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
