: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
