Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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