Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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