My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
