Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
