I am full of burrito and curiosity
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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