I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
my liver is dry heaving
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize