Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
